One of the things I discovered being a noob cyclist is that you have many questions about your new-found obsession.   What kind of bike should I buy?  What brand?  Where should I spend my money?  Do I need those weird shoes that permanently mount your feet to your pedals?  Is that butt-floss seat (properly referred to as a saddle) a medieval torture device?  What’s with those stretchy pants?  I feel certain the vast experiences I’ve amassed in my 16 week cycling adventure will do nothing to help you, but I’m going to blather about them anyway.

Last things first – those stretchy pants.  If they were just Lycra on their own, their purpose would be singular – to hide the sweaty marks.  Really.  Black does a great job of hiding the fact that you have a sweaty butt, especially if you’re expending any effort.  Think about this the next time you feel compelled to touch one of those butt-floss saddles on someone else’s bike.  However – they are not simply skin-tight shorts, they have a chamois, a pad inside.  The pad’s purpose is of course to provide some relief from the inevitable friction that occurs between well…anything touching the saddle and the saddle itself.

I have resisted the jump to the Lycra shorts to date, but I’m cheating a little.  On a recent 50km ride in my usual Levi’s cargo shorts and cotton jockey briefs, I discovered what they meant when they talked about friction in sensitive areas.  I also understood the no-cotton mantra.  By the end of my ride I was dying to get off the bike and into a tub of cold water.  Not pleasant.  It put my plans of long rides on indefinite hold until something could be done.  Yet, I was still not ready to be a fat guy in stretchy pants.  Dilemma.

Enter MEC’s Ace Cycling Liner Shorts.  Designed to go under the outerwear of your choice, they offer some of the protection of the traditional cycling shorts, without having to be standing in the middle of a coffee shop mid-ride painfully aware that there is but a tiny lick of Lycra between you and total exposure.  The chamois is, when comparing to the high-end shorts and bibs, thin and according to the MEC site, rated for “medium distance” rides – whatever that is.  How well do they work?  I love them.

I used to experience some “irritation” where my inner thighs meet the perineum even on my short commute.  This could be temporarily addressed by swinging my knees out at the top of the pedal stroke to get some stretch in the area, but this was not a long-term solution and did nothing for the long-distance problem that threatened to wear a hole in places there shouldn’t be one.  It also looked stupid.  Since I picked them up a couple of weeks ago, I’ve not ridden without them.  I wear (and wash – that’s key) for every ride and at the end of my recent 70km ride I had zero chafing complaints.  I’ve made a point of paying attention to how things feel on my back-and-forth commuting and can say with confidence they were worth the ultra-cheap $29.  It’s much easier to find the pleasure in the suffering now.  Oh – they don’t hide the sweat so much as they wick it into my cargo shorts.  Oh well.

If you’re new to cycling and you’re wondering about padded shorts – get them.  Whether it’s these inexpensive stealth models or expensive high-end bib shorts used with chamois cream (no I’m not kidding), you’ll be glad you made the leap.

-quick side note: most web sources strongly advocate high-quality chamois shorts over low cost ones.  I’m not in a position to argue having never tried anything other than these however these alone have made a world of difference and opened the door to longer distance rides over the nothing I had before.  Speaking of nothing…I tried commando once under the Levis.  Not good.  Not good at all.  Highly not recommended.

Spend your money with your local bike seller – the one that treats you with respect, answers your questions without rolling their eyes and gives free back rubs.  I bought mine at a pawn shop.  Really.

Don’t buy a brand, buy a bike.  Test ride them and buy the one you like.  If it’s well beyond your price range, sell a kidney.  You have two after all.

Clipless pedals – they have clips (cleats actually) that lock your foot to the pedals.  Good for falling down at traffic lights when you forget how to unclip.  You will of course still be clipped to your bike which you are now wrestling with like it’s a rabid cougar.  The light will turn green before you’re sorted.  If you’re really lucky, you’ll be waiting at the stop sign to cross a busy four lane road when some car driver will decide that even on your bike, in the middle of the lane, you are a pedestrian and will stop, driving the remaining 3 lanes of traffic to stop and wait which always makes them happy.  This is the best time to fall down while clipped in.  It will add some levity to the drive for passengers and infuriate the drivers.  Do I have them?   No though I am looking forward to the day I can humiliate myself further.  People who ride clipless swear by them and tout the benefit of being able to pull on the pedals on the upstroke.  That sounds like more work to me.

The butt-floss saddle – entirely too large a topic to cover in this post but the short answer is no – they’re pretty comfortable in so much as bike saddles go.   Unless they’re not.